my life...lately

my life as chitwood...

my life has been so much different then i ever in a million years though it would be. i am an 18 year old high school graduate. i should off at college being on my own living on my own terms. but instead i have made a decision that will drastically alter the rest of my life...in a completely different way.

I have decided to have a total pancreatectomy and islet cell transplant. which means that they are taking out my entire pancreas, gallbladder, spleen, and parts of my stomach and small intestine. then taking the cells that create insulin and reinserting them into my liver.

PROS:

Well if it works then i will no longer be in as intense of pain as i am now. and i wont have to worry about pancreatic cancer in the future. and i am at a place in my life where this is the perfect time.

CONS: it could you know not work and nothing could change then i would have diabetes to deal with too. DIABETES. oh and the recovery itself. will be long...and then the whole major surgery thing.

if this works it will be the 13th time they have done this successfully EVER. so 13, like my favorite artist taylor swift, has become my favorite number. so that adds a whole new level of stress.

I haven't talked about this really except to like ash and mexi but im so scared. like when i really think about it i forget how to breathe and feel like im going to puke. but there is still that feeling like i know i made the right decision. so the surgery is scheduled for the 28th of September at 8 a.m. in rochester, MN.

this whole thing about saying goodbye for my friends while they leave for college. and me being a bum here kinda just waiting till then. i feel like a complete loser. everyone says i shouldn't but i do. i am completely alone. my friends that are still here are in school and my friends that aren't here are starting new chapters of there life...and im stuck doing something that no one really understands. and i have amazing friends who will tell me up and down that this is wrong. but at the end of the day when they really think about it...this is what is true.

i dont know. im scared. im really tired. im so excited. im happy for all of my friends. and im lonely.

someone once said...at the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

love and rockets,

chitwood